The Demons Within Us
by The Wandering Time Lady
Summary: It was the only thing that made her feel real after Trenzalore, it was what brought her back to reality after feeling like everything was a dream. Not even the Doctor knew of her dark secret, and she was glad. POSSIBLE TRIGGERS. THAT IS A WARNING.
1. Weak Points

A/N: ...I don't know where this came from to be honest, I have no idea where it'll go or when it will be done, it just sort of happened. Most of it is from personal experience with certain aspects, to make it seem as realistic as possible, I am sorry if it offends you but that is the plain truth. Writing is a venting source for me, and if you enjoy it that is great! now, be warned dear reader that this will deal with sensitive topics, so the trigger warning is in effect,** if you are sensitive to these thing please don't do this to yourself, there are plenty of other great fics out there that will not harm you emotionally. **

* * *

Hunching over the toilet, she quickly plunged her fingers down her throat and pressed on the spot she knew would do the trick, expelling all the food she had ate that day.

She made sure to do this nightly routine when everyone was sleeping, so they wouldn't have to see their nanny giving in to the emotional torment that lingered inside her.

Laying her head on the cool tiles, she reached over to a small grove in the wall that was where she stored her darkest secret, a small blade that she managed to pry from one of Artie's broken pencil sharpeners.

It was the only thing that made her feel real after Trenzalore, the stinging of the blade dragging across the delicate flesh of her thigh, it was what brought her back to reality after feeling like everything was a dream. Not even the Doctor knew of her dark secret, and she was glad.  
She usually stopped by now, but something was urging her to continue...The dark voice in the back of her mind telling her to keep slashing, keep going and hopefully it will be better soon.

_It will all be better soon._

Thank the heavens it was only Tuesday, and the Doctor wouldn't be around to see her like this. She thought, prying herself off the floor and cleaning up the mess she had left behind.

It took her a few seconds of thinking before she decided to slip the small blade into her pocket, she would rather continue this in the safety of her room, where she could lock the door and not get caught.

Finally making it to her safe haven of a room, she locked the door and set to work, frantically.  
She didn't know she was in possession of such demons that lingered in the shadows of her mind, but they decided to come out and remind her of all the times she had screwed up this or messed up that.

_"It's your fault your mum is dead, she would be here still if you didn't beg her to go and get stuff for cookies"_

Hold back the tears Clara, don't cry...

It's true, her Mum would still be here if she hadn't begged her to go and get stuff to make cookies the night the mannequins came to life. She cut deeper, blood oozing out of the fresh wound in an endless river.

_"The Doctor doesn't love you, are you stupid?"_

Don't cry Clara, it's not true, he loves you so, so much.  
That stung because it was true. She loved him so much, she split herself a million times to keep him safe, to make sure he was always there and alive and well. He didn't care for her, he didn't love her.

She was covered in blood now, and feeling slightly light-headed.

_"What have you done to protect him, you're still alive...how many times have we died to protect him, you just sit there and boss him around"_

_"Worthless little Clara"_

_"Crazy little Clara, no one wants you"_

_"Not even the person you love so much"_

_"He doesn't care, he'll never love you as much as you love him"_

Let the tears go Clara, all will be well tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.  
"Keep going Clara, you're worthless. You've killed yourself a million times before and a million times in the future, what does it matter!"  
She was feeling extremely dizzy and tired, her body was telling her to stay awake, but her mind was telling her to sleep.

_"Sleep Clara, it's time"_

_"No one will miss you anyways"_

_"You're always getting in the way"_

_"If your Mum saw you now, she would be ashamed"_

_"Goodnight Clara"_

Still covered in an endless amount of blood, uncaring and unseeing, Clara Oswald the impossible girl collapsed on the cold floor below.


	2. Waking Up

A/N: first of all, thank you **Soph**, **JollyReader**,** Jesusisboss**, and **Cause Why Not**, your reviews mean everything to me,

**Cause Why Not**: It is assumed that is how her Mum died because the date on her tombstone was March 5th, 2005 and that was when the series reboot pilot 'Rose' was leaked.

**JollyReader**, I'm sorry you considered changing your name . I promise it will get better with time.

* * *

When Clara was little, she was terrified of getting lost, then she did get lost and her Mum found her. She supposed she was lost now, but there was one difference this time, her mum wouldn't be there to find her.  
She ignored the dirt that was currently stained her jacket, this had become a routine for her ever since he had left her.

"Hi Mum, I know I was here last week but it just feels nice talking to you, its been 7 months since I saw him last, I know he won't be coming back, even though he said he would. That's the thing about the Doctor - He lies. Mum, there's something I wanted to tell you"  
Slumping down at her mothers grave, she whispered brokenly "I love you mum, I miss you everyday and I miss him, he said he would never leave but he did and I don't know if I'll ever see him again, and Mum...I think I love him"

She was crying now, the sobbing echoed throughout the empty graveyard as she told her Mum how she loved the man who abandoned her.  
"They said I should hate him for leaving me like this, but I don't think I can, I love him so much mum, and if you were here right now I think you would understand, I died for him so many times just to protect him, and he just left me"

"He just left me mum, like I was nothing, absolutely worthless and disposable. He said I was his Clara and I thought I was, but now I honestly don't know if I still am, or even if I'm still Clara at all"  
That last remark was true, she had lost herself within her own mind, being consumed by the millions of lives she had lived, they haunted her daily...taunting her, reminding her of their sacrifices.

She knew they hated her, they reminded her everyday.

"Mum, they're hurting me inside, all of them. They always tell me how worthless I am, and how he was probably glad to be rid of me. Mum, they won't stop, please just make it stop make all the pain go away. I'm begging you"

She didn't know why she was begging but it hurt. It hurt so much to be there, they were screaming for her to just give up already, and she wanted to so badly.

"I brought the book, I thought you would want to read with me like when I was little, I know you can't hear me Mum, but still I think it would be good for both of us"

She pulled out her book 101 places to see from her bag, and flipped to a random page.  
"Hmm...I've always liked the idea of going to Switzerland, it looks beautiful Mum, I think you would like it too. This entry is on the Reichenbach Falls, It looks amazing Mum, I think I might save to go there sometime, I think there is also a monument there for Sherlock Holmes, I know how you always liked the books"

She still didn't know why she decided to come today, but she knew it helped a bit. It grounded her back to reality, because she knew the fantasy was over.  
She read to the grave, then slumped on the cold ground, utterly exhausted.

...

She didn't want to go, her father was taking her to a hospital. He had found out about her hurting herself, and had found her collapsed at Ellie's grave, her book clutched in her hands as she sobbed about her Doctor never coming home for her.  
She kicked and screamed and begged the Doctor to take her back, to take her away from all the pain and suffering and yelling from her echoes.

She was in shreds by the time they got there, utterly hysterical and sobbing. The doctors there had to drug her just to get her to calm down, Dave found the whole situation horrible, that his daughter shouldn't need this, but he was at his wits end, and it was the best thing for her.  
She would get the help Dave knew she needed.

...

"Clara..."  
"Clara..."  
"Can you hear me Clara..."

The voices were filling her head now, gaining clarity as she gained consciousness, finally working up the courage, she opened her eyes.  
And was shocked to see she was in a hospital bed, with a very anxious doctor looming over her.  
"Clara! its good to see you awake finally!" He said.

She was confused now, why was she in a hospital bed...yes hospital...She could remember a few bits now.  
She was in a hospital. And she was severely confused  
"Do you remember anything?" He asked her, looking a bit worried.  
She shook her head, why was she in the hospital...

"You had an accident Clara, remember? it was two months ago, and you are recovering" He said patting her arm. She could see the wires and needles poking into her, and it made her a bit sick.

She never really liked needles.

"Why am I here, please tell me" She asked, her voice hoarse from disuse.  
"Clara, you were found collapsed at your mother's grave two months ago, you were bleeding severely and clutching your book" the doctor grabbed the book on her bedside, and she recognized it as being her 101 places to see.

"Clara, we need to ask you a few questions okay? they won't be too hard we just need to know a bit more of your situation"

"He's not coming back for me then, he said he would and he just...left me" she said, the realization creeping on her and making her slightly distressed

"Clara, who is this man you keep on talking about, and why wouldn't he come back for you?" The doctor grabbed her hand trying to reassure her.

"His name is the Doctor and, he said he would come back for me, that he would never leave, we were going to see the universe together, I was going to tell him that I wanted to travel permanently with him and he left me after I jumped into his timestream"  
The doctor wrote something on his clipboard that she couldn't see, she didn't want to see.

"Why did you jump into his timestream Clara? and how were you going to see the universe if you guys are here on earth? wouldn't you need a rocket?"

"I jumped into his timestream because he was going to die and I needed to save him! I needed to, he was dying and it was the only way, I didn't mean to kill them I didn't mean to-" She was sobbing now, recalling all that she had done for him in such clarity that it shot pain up her spine, making her cry for him "I loved him, and he left me, he said he wouldn't leave, and that I was his Clara, I was his Clara and he left me and I don't know where I am or who I am and I don't think I'll ever know again"

_'Calm down Clara, you're making a fool of yourself and they're going to lock you up in the looney bin'_

She was sobbing and hiccuping now, and the doctor had stood up and was fiddling with some machine she was wired to.

_'see! you're going back to sleep again and you'll wake up even more crazy then you are now, because its true, you dreamed it up. this is all a dream Clara, because you know he's never coming back for you. ever.'_

"Clara, its okay, just relax and everything will be alright, you just need to calm down and let the medicine do its work okay?"  
her vision was getting blurry now, the haze consuming her up into a comforting.

...

She looked up at Mr. Andrews, panic written plainly on her face. "The ship is going down then?"

He responded yes, before Paolo dragged her along, making sure she got life-jackets to as many people as possible before telling them to head to A-Deck, that was where the lifeboats were being loaded.

The Titanic groaned under their feet, and she knew that if they didn't get to a lifeboat, then they would have no chance of survival, and that they should be filling them with more people! they were tested to hold 75 people in Belfast! why weren't they loading them more!  
Before she knew it she was put into one by Paolo, telling her to stay in it and keep safe.

"Kiss me one last time"

"In New York, you better be there"

He kissed her hand before running to find his brother.

...

They had found 3 people. 3 people who had survived, and hopefully Paolo was with them. She saw him, in the lifeboat he was there! he made it and they were going to be okay!

"Paolo! Paolo!" She jumped into the lifeboat he was in, kneeling before him. "Paolo!"  
He must have been sleeping, but...he was so cold.

"He's dead, there was only a flicker left when we found him. Did you know him well?"

She was crying now, they...New York, new adventures, saying goodbye to White Star Line...

"I...I was going to marry him"

...

She jolted awake with a start, that dream hurt a lot. She recalled her time as a cabin stewardess on the Titanic, her name had been Annie Desmond.

She remembered Paolo and how she was going to marry him when they docked in New York.

She remembered jumping out of the lifeboat after him when they lowered his body back in the water.

She remembered dying and holding on to him, just wanting to be with him again.

She remembered dying and watching the crew of the Mackay Bennett find their bodies, and the look of sorrow on their faces when they saw how even in death, she clung on to him for dear life.

Clara was crying now, the memories assaulting her like an axe to the head, crying out in her misery and reaching for something that wasn't there, something that would never again be with her.

She didn't regret jumping into his timestream, but at times like this she just wished there was another way of escaping the memories, all of them just please. please.


	3. All a Dream

A/N: this chapter is going to be really short. I mean it it is really short, but the next chapter will be really long making up for it, it will have the Doctor in it finally. But, here is the catch, I need to know if people are really interested in this story...I started out as just a way to let out some pent up emotion but if people really do like it then I will continue it (maybe a sequel as well?)

* * *

She was shattered.

It had been almost 2 years since she had seen him, she started to think she made the whole thing up, maybe she did...

She saw him daily, everywhere she went he was there, haunting her with that look of sorrow on his face, even after not seeing him for almost 2 years his face was as fresh in her mind as a footprint in the snow.

The first year had been horrible, every night she got nightmares about her lives, all of them flashing before her, taunting her and teasing her, telling her to just get it over with.

Telling her to just end it before it gets too bad.

Maybe she should just end it, death would be mercy at this point.

Because she had made him up inside her head, it was all a dream.


	4. That's the Way to Do it!

**A/N:** And here is the long awaited return of the Doctor chapter I was telling you about, **this chapter does have a suicide trigger warning on it**, so if you are sensitive about that topic, there are plenty of other fanfictions out there that won't trigger you, if you aren't triggered, read on. Thank you to all the lovely people who reviewed, I really appreciate it with all my heart, also...I have decided that there will be a sequel to this, I haven't named it yet...but this fanfiction will continue with other things, and the sequel with also expand on those ideas...sorry but _spoilers_...

* * *

This was it.

She was finally going to be free, free from everything that haunted her, free from him.

'do it'

'no one wants you'

'he's never coming back for you'

She was impossibly thin now, almost like a walking skeleton, her dress hung on her and made her look even tinier than she already was, she used to fit in it perfectly...he always loved it when she wore it, now it held painful and bitter memories of someone who wasn't real to begin with.

But it felt so real, she knew deep down that was the reason she was doing this.

Finally.

She honestly didn't know which was the best way to do it, so she thought about it for a while, planning perfectly and making sure everything was in order.

If she was leaving then she would want everyone to be as well off as they could be.

That included the Doctor, if he was real...She knew he was, but he probably didn't care for her anymore.

It all felt so surreal, walking down the stairs from her bedroom careful not to wake her sleeping father up.

She had lost her job as a nanny, she knew she wouldn't be able to take care of the kids, especially if she couldn't even take care of herself.

She made her way to the kitchen, tip-toeing the way because if her Dad even suspected anything wrong, then she would probably be hospitalized again.

_Again._ She had just given up when any of the doctor's asked if she was alright, she knew that if she just told them she wasn't then they would just give her more medication and send her back home.

She remembered a song she heard once, it was by the Dresden Dolls...Her friend Nina loved them, the song reverberated in her mind now, just thinking about it.

_"Just let her crash and burn she'll learn. The attention just encourages her"_

She slipped into the kitchen, careful not to trip over anything.

She had to drag a chair to reach the top shelf, where the medication was stored. She hated being so short, it always made her feel overly childish when she had to use the chair.

She grabbed what she needed, including a particularly sharp looking knife. She had a bit of trouble finding the key to the drawer. Her father insisted on locking it to keep her safe, but she always knew where he put the keys.

_Always_, just in case.

Scampering back to her room, she made sure the door was locked, before she set out to write her letter, because that was what people do isn't it? They leave a note...

This was the end for her, she was just so tired of everything. Normal everyday things that she used to be able to do everyday almost three years ago, were impossible for her to do nowadays.

She started having fits, where one of her echoes would seep through and she wouldn't know who she was anymore, she would do things she didn't know she could do.

She would talk in strange accents and alien languages, reverting from Gallifreyan to English quite often, she scared her father sometimes just speaking in a different tongue.

Dave didn't have the heart to put her in the hospital permanently, a small little piece in his mind hoped that she would come home, that she would recover and become the smart, adventurous, and clever girl he once knew as his daughter.

She felt so hopeless in those moments, she would remember everything and would be so confused.

But, this was the blissful end.

She made sure she had everything ready, the letter, the pills and the knife.

With a breath of finality, she got her jacket and set out the window and toward the place she knew she would have peace...it would take a while, but it was guaranteed that no one would find her until it was too late.

It had taken a bit of work to find the graveyard again, as she had only been there once while in this life, and dead in another.

She looked at the gravestone where her Victorian self was buried, the etched words faded with time...Clara Oswin Oswald, he body was beneath her feet at that moment, probably nothing but bones left but still...it was her.

She giggled hysterically as she slumped down, sitting beside her dead self.

_"I suppose, if I am to die, why not die at my grave?"_ she laughed into the brisk morning air, it was such a lovely autumn morning, to bad it would be tarnished.

"_That's the way to do it!_" she shouted and mocked in a thick cockney accent patting the stone.

"_I always knew it would come to this...Little Clara Oswald, sitting in a graveyard...isn't that how it always ends for you?"_ She was laughing still, it was tinged with a dark and bitter and almost...maniacal tone, she had finally given up on holding back the voices

_"This is the wonder...the wonder of everything, everything must come to an end...everything...dust...even little Clara, sweet little Clara who works at the Rose and Crown...Clara...Clara? He...he called me...Clara...he he said I was his impossible girl and he left me" _

She stood up and walked before falling over again, _"Ha! as if he cared about you...I died for him and what have you done? nothing you've done nothing but murder yourself, that is what you are...you're a killer..."_

No, she wouldn't let the voices in anymore, no. Not when this was going to be the end, she would have peace in the end finally...She stood up

_"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I had to...he was...he was going to die...I had to I'm so sorry...I'm sorry" _She half choked and half shouted the last words out.

And then it happened, that all too familiar sound, the sound she had tried to drown out for so long, it was the TARDIS.

She had heard the TARDIS for a year after he left, and would always run toward where ever she heard it, always thinking he had come back for her, but when the harsh reality sunk in she would just collapse wherever she was and her father would have to repeat the cycle of dragging her home to bed again, just waiting for the next time she would break.

Then she saw him, the familiar ghost that haunted her daily, the walking hallucination that drove her to near insanity every waking moment of every day since he had left her.

And so she did what her psychiatrists told her to do when she heard the sound of the TARDIS or saw him, she closed her eyes and muttered to herself "He isn't real, he isn't real, he isn't real" in a constant mantra, hoping and praying that he would disappear.  
But he didn't disappear, instead, he walked toward her, kneeling down beside her.

"Clara" was all he said

The talking hallucinations were always the worst in her opinion, because then she would have to hear his voice, hear the perfect sound as he sat down beside her broken form.

Still, if she was going to die anyway, she might as well appreciate what her mind was doing for her.  
"Who is Clara?" she responded in a childish american accent, before she slapped him "I used to be called Clara, but that all changed, and I don't know anymore" she laughed, it was a warped sound.

Her face morphed into one of shock and absolute horror "I'm sorry mister, please don't call the police, they'll take away my character and drive me into the streets! please don't please don't please, I'm begging you" her accent was distinctly cockney now, much different from the american one she was using a second ago.

"I ... I was going to marry him, but he died and it was all my fault, I should have said 'I love you'"  
He looked concerned, but then, when has he ever been concerned for her.

"Oh wipe that look off your face, and do cheer up captain!" she said, grazing her hand along his face, it felt so real underneigh her hand, it was almost as if he was really there

"Clara, I'm so so sorry" he whispered, his eyes a mask of pure agony, tears threatening to spill.

And it was as if her eyes had changed into that familiar look she used to give him, even if for a brief moment.

It was like his Clara had come home to him.

But he could plainly see, that Clara was long dead.

Killed by her dreams and longing for her chinboy to finally return home to her.

And suddenly, she snapped out of it, Standing up and yelling at him "No! You're not real! Stop it Clara stop, please just...wake up Clara...Wake up. Wake up...please wake up. it's all a dream just wake up, wake up wake up"

she reached for the knife, but found that she had abandoned it when she realized she wouldn't need it.  
"Wake up Clara, wake up. wake up"

She was clawing at her arms now, reopening the half healed wounds with her nails.

She didn't see blood when she carved at herself. She used to during the second year, now all she saw was that golden light, she was regenerating.  
Or so she told herself.


	5. Born to Love, not Hate

A/N: Okay, now I am really truly sorry for all that, I know I promised Saturday, but I was feeling really sick and the chapter I had written then wasn't up to par. Today I fixed bits of chapter 4, and rewrote all of chapter 5 because I wasn't satisfied. I'm still not really satisfied with how it turned out but oh well. Thank you to all who have stuck around even though I completely disappeared for a while, and I promise I'll try to update more often.

* * *

He was appalled with what he saw. All this damage he had caused. It was all his fault.

She had torn herself apart piece by piece, all because of him.

He didn't even flinch when she slapped him, he deserved if anything much worse.

Now, this was his punishment. He had to watch as she slowly lost herself to her demons, becoming unrecognisable in the moment, and it was all his fault.

He swore he had done it to protect her, he didn't want her to get hurt or die, she was too precious to him, but now, he finally saw that she had suffered a fate worse than death itself.

And all he could do was sit in shocked silence as she ranted away at him, her voice tinged with insanity.

He said he was sorry. But he knew deep down that sorry wasn't going to be good enough, he had to redeem himself because he had taken this treasure, this human soul that was perfect for him in every way, and he had warped it and bended it until it wasn't hers anymore.  
It was a product of what he had created.

And he suffered for it.

He was pulled from his trance when he realized that she had stood up, and was clawing at her arms frantically, he could see the blood dripping down her sleeves and the blank look in her eyes.

And so, even if she believed that he wasn't real, he stood up and grabbed her wrists, stopping her from inflicting more harm on herself than she already had.

She clung on to him, whimpering about how she waiting everyday for him, waiting on the doorstep of the Maitland's house, hoping that he would come back.

He didn't know what to do at that moment, she was clinging on to him, he was in a shock induced trance not knowing how he was going to fix the mess he had made, her blood slowly staining his jacket deep crimson.

"This is it then, I'm dying. And you are finally here to take me home" she whispered, her brown orbs locking with his green ones.

"No Clara, you're not dying. Not anymore, because it's true, I am home and I am never leaving you ever again" He responded, cupping her cheek

And she collapsed in his arms.

She was loosing too much blood at this point, and so the Doctor ran as fast as he could toward the TARDIS, she wasn't going to die now, not after all he had just saw.

He thought about leaving her there for a split second, leaving her to die and be free from him, free of any burden she had carried that was his to bear.

But the Doctor was selfish. He was a selfish coward who needed her like a child needed their mother.  
And so he ran faster than he had run before.

She was going to die in his arms at this rate, and he wasn't going to let her go like that.

He had been the cause of too many deaths already.

-  
He set her down on a cot in the medical bay, the TARDIS had sensed his fear and anger and had moved it so it was closer.

He wrapped her bleeding arms in plenty of gauze, before looking at her fully in the fluorescent light of the medical bay.

She was a lot thinner, almost a walking skeleton, her hair was messy and looked like it hadn't been brushed in months, her lips were pale and cracked.

She looked like a walking corpse and it scared him.

He had been the cause of this, and it was his job to set things right.

He had to switch the gauze several times, the blood kept seeping through, and he decided that maybe some ointment would help.

Running around the room, he looked for the purple goo-in-a-bottle he knew would help heal the wounds up, at least...he hoped it would heal them up.

It might have been pathetic for a girl to lose her mind just because a boy left her. But this was not something that simple. This was the story of a girl who loved so much that she had lived for him a million times, ran to him for a thousand years, just to keep him safe. And she thought he had loved her. But he had left her behind.

People told her to hate him but she just couldn't bring herself to. The Daleks had tried and they had been close - very close to making her believe in hatred. But they never, ever could - for she was born in love, for love, and she died in love's good name.

He was the saviour of the worlds. The life of one human girl or even her sanity was a small price to pay if it meant saving his life. And she loved him. No matter how many times she would want to hate him, because hating him would be so much easier, she never, ever could.

She watched him rushing around the room, the man she had loved, and died for, and she felt free of all the weight she had carried.

"Don't blame yourself Doctor" She whispered

He was beside her now, unwrapping the bandages around her arms and slathering the purple gel on her wounds.  
It stung and she couldn't help but scream in pure agony as she felt the fire of the ointment doing its work.

He looked at her with such pain in his eyes, as if he regretted even bringing her back into the TARDIS in the first place, and seeing her writhe in pain on the cot didn't help things very much.

Her body felt numb, her vision was blurry.

Perhaps death would be kind this time, and lead her to her promised land of peace, because there was no place for her in this world anymore, she had been ripped and torn and broken, and nothing was left of her that could be saved.

"Clara! no...stay with me Clara...please..." His voice was exactly as she remembered it and she smiled.


	6. A Word from Thor

Hey Guys,

So I'm actually going to be working on chapter 6 tonight at my Aunt's house, and I hope that you guys will enjoy it, I promise that it will be longer and hopefully will clear up somethings that happened in earlier chapters, It will also explain why the Doctor left Clara and such, I hope you guys will enjoy it and I'm working my hardest to make it a great chapter.

I originally hoped this story would be forgotten in the deep and unreadable parts of this website but it seems that people have taken a keen interest in it and so I have decided that this story will go on until it has about 20 chapters, mostly focusing on recovery and relapse and how fragile the human mind truly is.

Then, I hope to start a sequel once this fic is finished, I hope that it will be more light hearted and contain less plot holes and cliffhangers, I'm still working out a solid writing style and distinctive tone to my writing and I'm glad you guys have stuck around in this journey with me.

The amount of feedback I've gotten from you guys is astounding! I really and truly grateful to all those who have reviewed, favourited and followed this story, it does mean a lot to me and I always try and include all your suggestions (even if there was barely any) And I am always welcome to prompts from my readers, I just want to say: You guys rock.

I'll have the chapter up possibly Sunday, but it may come up a bit later, I'm asking you guys to be patient because my internet is really shoddy and my parents are working on getting it fixed, but if needed be, I will post it from one of the school computers I have access to.

-Thor


	7. Oh, Death

A/N: So I've decided that the best way to continue this is to update every other Saturday, so now you know, I'm sorry for the wait, and thank you for all the reviews

* * *

Everything was coming back to her now, she scrunched her nose concentrating on her surroundings, she didn't want to open her eyes just yet.

Somewhere in the distance she could hear waterfalls, and the 3rd movement of Beethoven's violin concerto, it was oddly peaceful.

She was slowly regaining control of her arms and legs, and with some effort she managed to crack them open, her first thought was 'where am I?'

She looked around, hoping that she was in fact still in the Tardis, and that she hadn't been committed into some mental hospital.

But Clara didn't seem to recognize anything, the room was pristine white, with large windows overlooking the waterfall she had heard, she was lying on a cot, and in front of here there was a desk with a hooded figure seated behind it.

The figure motioned for her, and Clara found herself gliding along the floor to a chair that had just appeared.

Sitting down, the figure removed its hood, and she could see that the figure was a small girl, no older than sixteen or seventeen, too young.

She seemed to be almost transparent, her skin pale and lips bloody, and she gave Clara the oddest look when she finally laid eyes on her.

"You're early" the girl said, opening a book that had just materialized on the desk "You aren't supposed to be dead for a few thousand years"

So that meant that she had finally died.

Good, that means that she was finally free from everything, though thinking about it more, she realized that her father would have to deal with her death, before his own.

The girl was looking at her again, her eyes seemed to be glowing as she watched Clara with a slightly curious look

"Can you talk Clara?" She asked, her eyes never leaving Clara's

"What are you?" was all she could say.

Great, she just made an ass of herself in front of an angel, well...better get ready for the one way ticket to hell she was probably going to receive.

"No, most human's would call me 'the Grim Reaper'. I'm not an Angel, and no...You're not going to hell and you know, you should be talking a bit more, considering this is your decision an all..." she said, motioning for her to come forward and look

When she looked into the book, she saw two figures, one was hunched over the other, crying. The other one was lying on a bed, unmoving.

With closer inspection, Clara could see that it was the Doctor who was crying, and that he was crying over her. battered and abused body, that had tried to keep her alive for so long, but ended up failing.

"You died too early Clara, that's why I am here. I'm one of the Reapers, when someone dies before their allotted time, we are called in to help the soul at the crossroads" She explained

"That body down below us, is dead. But you are not, I'm sorry Clara but now you have to make the choice, but to help assist you, I am required to tell you your options and the outcomes, not too many spoilers but, enough to help you decide" she continued

"So...All I have to do is choose which one I want then BAM, instant effect and all goes back to normal?"

"Well, not really...you see, I'm pretty sure you know this already, as your...ahem forgive me, your...partner is a very interesting fellow, but time can be rewritten in even the smallest of ways, and your death was a major rewriting, so now I have to tell you, you can choose to move on to the after life, get a secure haunting job, life out the rest of eternity in a place of your choice, unless at some point you choose to be reincarnated, at that point your memories will be wiped and you will start off brand new but still have the same personality traits" She took a breath

"Or you could choose to life on in the life you were given, your friend down there gets you back, you recover from whatever you were suffering from at the time of your death, badda-bing, you get to continue on to live out the rest of your time, at which point when it does end, you meet one of my sisters who will help you with the rest" She finished, pulling out a glass of something and taking a sip

"But, if I go back to my life now, won't I just bleed out and die again?" Clara asked, thinking about how stupid someone would have to be to botch up their own suicide

"Your friend is very clever, now Clara...its time to make your choice, I'm not going to pressure you into anything but, let me just say that your friend down there cares a lot about you, more than even he realizes, and I can sense that you care for him as well, its time Clara"

"I honestly don't know, I mean...its not like I'm even worth anything to him, but still...I guess I choose..."

...

He had given up the fight a long time ago, and had decided to just sit down and grieve.

Clara was dead, and he was the cause. It was all his fault.

His shoulders hunched in defeat as tears streamed silently down his face. It had been so long since he allowed himself to weep like this, but it felt strangely good.

He deserved to feel all the pain in the world at the moment, because the most treasured thing in his life was lying cold and lifeless on the cot in front of him.

Even though she had been suffering, even though she was dead, she was still as beautiful as the daylight that radiated when she was around.

He thought it was best to leave her, after all they had been through at Trenzalore, how she seemed so lost and hopeless, how she wouldn't stop crying even after she was unconscious.

Carrying her through his time stream was the most difficult thing to do, leaving her was even harder.

She wouldn't wake up, even when they were in the safety of the Tardis. He thought she would be permanently destroyed from the whole ordeal, but as if by a miracle she survived.

The Doctor had sworn from that moment that he would keep her safe no matter what.

Even if that meant leaving her back on Earth to live the rest of her life without him.

And his plan had failed miserably, for he hadn't kept her safe, and now she was gone forever.

He looked at her, the blood on her arms was beginning to settle, her skin turning ashen, lips slightly grey.

There was no point on trying to transfer regeneration energy to her, for it was for the living.

And so he sobbed, holding her cold, limp hand in his own, hoping to transfer some of the warmth he had to her.

She shouldn't be cold.

She was probably in a better place now, free from him.

But he realized that he would be without her, and he needed her.

He loved her with all his hearts.

The Doctor didn't know how much time had passed, but judging by how stiff Clara's hand was getting, it was probably around four hours.

Her Father would be looking for her now, he thought as he wiped his eyes for the first time.

They would all be looking for her, and its not like he could just leave her in some random place to be discovered.

While locked in his thoughts, The Doctor had failed to notice that Clara was beginning to develop a pulse.

It was very faint at first, barely distinguishable to even the Doctor himself, but it was there, and it was growing stronger by the second...


	8. The Daylight

Chapter 8 - The Daylight

A/N: This is a rather short chapter, mostly dealing with the Doctor's thoughts on the situation. I might update again tomorrow cause I'm in a writing mood... but I won't promise anything...

* * *

The first thing Clara did when she could feel herself again, was cry.

She let the choked sobs rack her tiny frame as she clutched onto the lapels of the Doctors tweed coat.

She had been foolish, and now she was dealing with the aftermath once again.

He had taken hold of her as soon as she had awoken, utterly shocked she was alive and well, the blood had since stopped flowing from her veins that he had thought her soul to be long gone, but she lived on.

She lived on.

The agony of their current situation had caused Clara to collapse in utter exhaustion, she couldn't stand to be awake any longer, and she had passed up a choice to die.

She lived on.

He clung on to her like a lifeline, for both their souls had been intertwined, and if one were to be severed then the other would suffer as well.  
The Doctor knew, he knew that she had returned by choice, a choice he had to make at one point, he had lived on.  
He clung on to her like a lifeline.

It was as if a mist had shrouded his vision, and working on autopilot, he bandaged her up, cleaning all the dried blood and doing a check up.  
She had lost so much weight, and yet she lived on.

She had starved and harmed herself, becoming more fragile as the leaf that had carried her into the world, and led her back into his arms.  
And they had to live on.

She was sobbing in her sleep, the tears staining her dirty, blood covered face, she didn't know if she wanted to wake up, or face the nightmares she knew were coming.

But the nightmares never came, and she rested in a peaceful, dreamless state of oblivion, not quite alive, but not dead.

She lived on.

The Doctor had done what he could, and he made sure she was stable before stumbling into his room, stripping himself of his bloodstained clothes, he settled for a long and scalding hot shower, thinking of all the wrong he had committed and how hard he was going to have to work now to heal both himself and his impossible girl.

And so he decided that, while she surely wasn't going to notice, he was going to make himself look presentable.  
Except the tweed. He didn't feel like wearing his signature outfit at the moment, and so he settled for a pair of plain black trousers and a light grey t-shirt.

He needed a plan on how to help Clara, how to do it in a delicate way that won't upset her too much, and anticipating possible relapse, he decided it would be best to take it slow.

They both had healing to do, whether he liked to admit it or not.

And so they would live on.

At least, he hoped they would.

He didn't expect her to forgive him, in fact he knew it would be a miracle for her to even consider it, but now he had to focus on her.  
She was a broken china doll that needed to be glued back together, and while the glue would hold, the cracks would be visible.  
He sauntered out of his room and into the sick bay, preparing for the long days ahead...


	9. She Loved Me

** A/N:** Sorry about the insane wait guys, school is going crazy now and I've tried to get the best grades possible this year. I hope you can forgive me for this wait though, so I made this chapter sorta longer than the others, as compensation for it, oh and you might recognize some parts from earlier chapters *wink wink*, anyways...Enjoy

* * *

She hadn't woken up since the day she almost died, he wasn't worried for she probably need the rest.

And so he left her.

The Doctor had used this time to decide what he was going to do when she did wake up, for that was going to be a big problem in the future, for what if she didn't forgive him.

He had only left her to protect her, and he had no idea that it would have ended up like this, he had assumed that he was doing the right thing, and a friend.

He cared too much about her, and the thought of his Clara being in such a state drove him mad.  
He had to see the damage.

He needed to see just how much agony he had caused his impossible girl to come up with a suitable arrangement for her, it would take weeks, possibly months for her to recover from this and he needed to know.

...

(Doctor - Present, Clara - Past)

She could swear she heard the TARDIS this time, she was walking Angie and Artie to school when she heard it.

At this point she knew it wasn't real, it was all a dream and the Doctor was a fairy tale her mind had created.

She was just a girl from Lancashire whose dreams of travelling made her mind float away.

She wouldn't run toward the sound, she would be a strong girl.

She quickly dug into her bag and pulled out a small bottle, and quickly swallowed a small green pill.

It was all in her imagination, and she needed to rid herself of her demon.

As Clara, Angie and Artie walked on towards the school, the Doctor watched from his TARDIS, a solemn look on his face as he made himself watch as the girl he loved slowly destroyed herself.

He stalked back up to the console, and with the flick of a switch, they were soaring through time once again.

This time, he had landed in a hospital, outside of the room 221. He didn't dare question the TARDIS this time, and so, while trying to play the part, he donned a white lab coat and grabbed a clipboard for good measure.

He already knew what was going to be inside the room, but when he walked in all that mental preparation was for nothing.

There was his Clara, his impossible girl, laying on the bed in the room, she looked even more tiny and frail, as if the life and happiness had been sucked right out of her, and in a sense, it had been.

He looked at the clipboard, and saw what looked to be an account of what had happened to her, and why she was in here in the first place.  
She had gone to her mother's grave, and tried to kill herself.

It had all came back to the Doctor at that point, how she was not okay after Trenzalore. How he should have helped her recover from the memory strain and not have left her to suffer the onslaught of memories by herself.

He walked up to the bed and sat down in the near by chair. It was now or never.

"Clara..."  
"Clara..."  
"Can you hear me Clara..."

It looked like she was beginning to regain consciousness, and for that he was glad. He needed to talk to her. She started to stir, her eyes slowly opening and taking in her surroundings.

"Clara! its good to see you awake finally!" He said in a fake cheery voice. He had to keep up with it. He couldn't break now, he needed to know.

"Do you remember anything?" He asked her, looking a bit worried.

She shook her head at him.

"You had an accident Clara, remember? it was two months ago, and you are recovering" He said patting her arm. He hated seeing her like this, exhausted, uncaring, and worst of all, dead.

"Why am I here, please tell me" She asked, her voice was hoarse, probably from disuse.

"Clara, you were found collapsed at your mother's grave two months ago, you were bleeding severely and clutching your book"  
the Doctor looked at the clipboard before grabbing the book on her bedside, and handing it to her.

"Clara, we need to ask you a few questions okay? they won't be too hard we just need to know a bit more of your situation"  
He knew what was coming, and it absolutely broke him inside.

"He's not coming back for me then, he said he would and he just...left me" she whispered to him, oh if only she could see who her doctor was, he was here and home for her, but he couldn't show himself, so he just continued on with the questions.

"Clara, who is this man you keep on talking about, and why wouldn't he come back for you?" The doctor grabbed her hand trying to reassure her.

_*'I'm here, Clara, please just gain some sense'*_

"His name is the Doctor and, he said he would come back for me, that he would never leave, we were going to see the universe together, I was going to tell him that I wanted to travel permanently with him and he left me after I jumped into his timestream"

She was planning on permanently traveling with him.

she was going to leave the Maitlands for him. He had promised her the stars and she was going to go away with him, and he had just left her, dumped her on this rock and expected her to forget.

He always expected them to go back to normal life after he had grown tired with him.  
It had happened with Sarah-Jane and now, he had done it to Clara as well.\

"Why did you jump into his timestream Clara? and how were you going to see the universe if you guys are here on earth? wouldn't you need a rocket?" He wanted to laugh, but he bitterly held it back.

"I jumped into his timestream because he was going to die and I needed to save him! I needed to, he was dying and it was the only way, I didn't mean to kill them I didn't mean to-" She was sobbing now "I loved him, and he left me, he said he wouldn't leave, and that I was his Clara, I was his Clara and he left me and I don't know where I am or who I am and I don't think I'll ever know again"

No. This was the last straw for him. She loved him as much as he loved her. this wasn't right. He shouldn't be here in the first place.  
It wasn't fair for them both.

She was sobbing and hiccuping now, and the Doctor had stood up and was fiddling with some machine she was wired to, he knew it was the pain killers, it would at least let her sleep more, and she won't even remember this conversation.

"Clara, its okay, just relax and everything will be alright, you just need to calm down and let the medicine do its work okay?"  
He pleaded with her as her eyelids closed.

This was a huge mistake.

He threw off the lab coat and dashed out of the room and into the safety of the TARDIS once more.

He was going to fix this no matter what.  
She would be okay.  
They both would.


	10. When We First Met

Chapter 10 - Samson

**A/N:** this chapter is inspired by the song 'Samson' by Regina Specktor, it helps if you listen to it while you read

* * *

It had taken sometime for the Doctor to adjust to having a companion once more, even if said companion was in a coma of sorts.  
He figured that this would happen, she had been through so much these past 3 years, and it was entirely his fault. He was the only one to blame for her trying to kill herself, for she wouldn't have if he had only taken care of her and helped her after Trenzalore.

It was his job to tend to the delicate flower that was her mind, he was the one that was supposed to water it and care for it until it had healed from the thousands of lives that had swum though it.

He was sitting beside her bed now, it had become a sort of habit for him. Wake up, take a shower, get dressed, sit with Clara.

This time was different though, because after he realized just how much pain she had been though, and witnessing a first hand account of it, had hit him in the gut rather hard, and so he needed a way to ease her back into Tardis life without causing too much harm to her.

Too much of a coward to try to wake her up, and talk to her, he decided that the only way he was going to get through this was to write a letter to her.

yes, that was the way to make her understand, surely she would? would she?  
Doubt plagued his mind, for she had no reason to forgive him. He had abandoned her.

Standing up and stretching, he sauntered out of the medical bay and towards his study; He was going to need paper, and by the looks of it, a lot of it.

Once again, he was sitting beside her bedside, thinking about what he was going to write, the best way to approach this, it was hard because one wrong move and something could happen, and that would be very extremely bad in the Doctor's books.

He had finally decided the best way to go about things was to start at the beginning, when they first met each other, when he had first pulled her into this mess, and he began to scribble on the pages...

_My dearest Clara,_

_Remember when we had first met properly? When I showed up at your doorstep dressed as a monk? when we both thought that things wouldn't end up the way they are now? _

_remember how you had bravely faced Skaldak by yourself? and even though by the time we got to the south pole you had developed extreme claustrophobia? I still thought you were brave. Brave heart Clara, always strong, always sassy and fun, those were the days weren't they? and even though we both got into sticky situations multiple times, we always pulled though and were strong, because the both of us were meant to be brave and strong, even when all hell breaks loose, we are constantly forced to put on a 'brave' face and pull through what ever fate throws our ways._

_What a mess we have now, eh? I wish I could just tell you that everything will be alright, that you will be alright and as bright and springy as the day we first met, your hair was longer then... but, the truth is, I honestly don't know if things are going to be alright anymore, after what you've been through._

_Clara, I've seen the multiple scars on your skin, I've seen the tangles in your (now shorter) hair, and I see how you look as if death has kissed you on the cheek, and in a cruel sense, it has, now...I'm not asking you to forgive me, maybe someday you will come to, but today is definitely not that day._

_What I did to you was wrong, completely, morally and absolutely wrong. I shouldn't have left you to fester like that, I should have helped you._  
_I know when you wake up you most likely don't want to see me, and I understand that. I really do, but Clara you need to know that I know that this is all my fault. I really shouldn't have left without even saying goodbye, but just know that I only did it for you, I was a complete coward. I didn't want to lose you, I was terrified of even taking you on adventures, let alone trying to heal your mental wounds from Trenzalore._

_You sacrificed yourself for me, you split yourself into thousands of echos, just for my safety, and that's not something I take lightly, you made a huge decision and while most others would probably die in the attempt, you made it._

_I am a coward. I always have been, and now it's time to face that you might not forgive me, you might even hate me, I will understand if you do, but please Clara, It's my fault you're in the situation you're in now, so please let me try to help you heal?_

_Let's start over, just for now, just so I can attempt to try to heal wounds, both mentally and physically, for your sake, and so if you do leave, I can say that I at least tried to glue the broken pieces back together._

_My dear Clara with shorter, tangled hair, please take me back, and I promise we will rewrite history together._

_Yours,_  
_The Doctor._


End file.
